21 May 2025
Over the years, I grew entitled to people's presence, often taking it for granted. Showing up scattered and emotionally unkempt— repeatedly, over a long period of time— was corrosive for both, and deeply unfair to them.
"But, isn't that's what friends are for?" Sure, as an exception— not the rule. It's better not to abuse paracetamol or antibiotics just to get by, but to address the root cause of one's headaches or strengthen one's immune system instead. Medicine is for the sick, not a crutch for the healthy.
I always took pride in being neat and tidy, both on my own and out in the world. Passed down from my dad's side, this got instilled in me as a core value. Ashamedly, have I fallen into the trap of superficiality that I so often accused others of? Could I have neglected this deeper, less superficial domain that also requires hygiene, tidiness, and upkeep?
It seems I have.
Enamoured with the superficial, my heart became lined with a cancerous desire to be highly regarded, envied— to be the golden boy. I took it upon myself to live beyond others' imaginations, going further than even they thought possible, as a way to inspire them (or so I told myself). Vainglory and leading astray— a double whammy in Peter's book.
Inevitably, it was all going to stop, one way or another. Fuelling the charade became ever more taxing and convoluted, with diminishing highs for my ego. People also started smelling the bullshit a long time ago. They proved smarter than I thought them to be. I couldn't keep fooling them.
Facing this was shattering— the comedown brutal. But there was no other way. The fuckery had to be blown up and ignited. Now, there's relief in the collapse.
Thank God for those who stuck with me... Regardless of my lack of regard.
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